Hey sweetheart,

I love you so much, and I'm sorry this is happening. I'm trying everything I can to still be able to talk to you. I guess this sort of counts. But I want you to stay here with me. I need you in my life, and you know that. You mean the whole world to me, and I couldn't even begin to think o how I'd live without you.

No matter what anybody does to us, they can never change the way we eel about each other. They can's keep our love from being there. I know I've told you this a million times, but here it is again, just or good measure: I will always love you, no matter what happens. Nothing will ever stop me rom loving you with all of my heart and soul.

I hope you're doing well otherwise though. I miss you so much already. It was good to hear your voice on the phone today, even i it was only or a minute. It brightened up my day. And I hope you got the message I left you. I'm sorry I couldn't leave more. I'll try to call you more tomorow.

I love you so much baby, and I can't wait to see your smiling ace again. You're what I'm living for right now, and I couldn't be happier about that. *muah muah muah*

With boundless Love and longing,
Karl

Well there was a time when you let me know
What's really going on below.
But now you never show that to me do you?
But remember when I moved in you?
And the holy dove was moving too,
And every breath we drew is Hallelujah.

Yeah, I remember what love feels like. It's like it's still there if I think about it hard enough. But then I snap out of it, and realize that I'm still in the middle of math class and have to come back to the "real world." I can never get a real grasp on the feeling. If I ever hold on to that feeling, I don't think I'd ever let go of it. But does she? If she does remember, how can she let go of it so easily? Is it just me being stupid again, not seeing the truth? I just don't see how she can. But if she has forgotten love, then it's my fault, and I really don't have anyone to blame but myself. Oh God......what have I done?

Maybe there's a God above,
But all I've ever learned from love
Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you.
And it's not a cry that you hear at night;
It's not somebody who's seen the light;
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah...

It's just odd, knowing that the best thing that's ever happned in my life already happned. I wonder if there's anything to look forward to now. I could maybe pursue music, but there's no knowing if I'm good enough to really make a career out of it. But what about all of the other people who are "in love?" Is that real? Can anyone ever find actual, pure, straight-up love? I thought I had, but I guess I was wrong. What if everyone else is wrong too? What if we all go our entire lives just convincing ourselves that there is love, when in fact, it's all just a massive self-imposed delusion? What if nobody's really ever loved anyone else? If that's the case, then I really can't see what it is we're living for.

All I wanted to do was keep love in my life. Now it's gone. "I hate the fall...."

I'm stuck in the middle of the road. Or perhaps it's more of a crossroad. I'm torn between some new revelation, new yet worth it's salt; and attempting to regain what once was: the comfortable and the true. Could there be a chance that I might be with Ashley again, and seeing other people is a poor choice? Or are her and I to be forever friends, and exploring the possibilities would be moving forward?

I just don't want to feel like an idiot again; having Ashley re-accept me, only to mess it up again. Or have I changed for real this time, and nobody will have to get hurt? All I have are questions, and there are too many of them to decide which ones to try answering.

If chance will have me king, chance will crown me.

There are fewer things weirder than having a doctor tell you that you should be dead right now. Well, that's what happned. Evidentaly most people who have a tree fall on them die. The people who saw it happen said tha tree just bounced right off of my head though. It slid down my left arm on the way back down though, and I subsaquently have scrapes, bruises, and cuts all over my arm. Not to mention that fact that I currently have 6 staples in my head to act as stitches to keep my "laceration" from getting infected/not healing. They hurt like none other, but at least I'm not dead. Not dead is a pretty good thing to be.....

I had a really good dream last night. Ashley and I were together at North Bar Beach. Suddenly, she went under. I thought she was drowning. I tried pulling her up while still keeping my own head above the water, but I couldn't get her up. So I did the only other thing I could think of. I swam underneath her and had her legs resting on my shoulders. I kicked and thrashed to keep her above the water. But I was still compleatly submerged. I knew I was going to die, but somehow it didn't seem as scary. I knew what I was dying for, and I knew why. I must have saved her, because I could see her swimming away. She was going to shore to get help, or at least that's what I think she was doing. I just remember the water suddenly becoming very warm and dark.


It was odd, waking up after that though. It's really cold in my house, and even my blanket was cold. Ashley called me this morning, but I must have made her mad at me or something. I'm sick of always messing thngs up like this. No matter how hard I try, no matter how much something means to me, I always manage to lose it. Today seems like a good day to just sty home and think. I don't really have anything planned, so I guess I'll just try and figure things out, and hope that Ashley calls me.

All around me are familiar faces:
worn out places, worn out faces.
Bright and early for the daily races,
going no where, going no where.
Their tears are filling up their glasses;
No expression, no expression.
Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow.
No tomorrow, no tomorrow.
And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad;
the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had.
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take;
when people run in circles it's a very very mad world.
Mad World

I'm back from Interlochen. I got home yesterday, then I had to go straight to work. I was supposed to go to work this morning, but Eric was there and said that they had had a refridgeration problem and couldn't open up for brunch. So I ended up going back home and hanging out. And that's how my day is for now.

It's weird. We're going to buy a new house (or at least that's what my parents say, but they've been saying that for the last four years) closer in town, so we've packed up a lot of stuff. And since I was away at Interlochen, I had no say in what things of mine got packed up and put away in storage. So when I came home, I discovered that all I had left were my clothes, airsoft equipment/gun, and my letters from/pictures of Ashley. I've got my iPod too, but most of my stuff is all packed up in some self-storage place. My legos, my books, my movies; they're all gone.

My parents apologized and said it'd only be for a few months at the most, but I was kind of looking forward to comming home to not only firmilar people, but my firmilar. I don't want to sound material or anything, but all of the stuff that made my room what it was; so many things that had sentimental value or captured my interest are gone.

And, as I'm sure most of you saw comming, my lying had messed up yet another thing in my life. Ashley found out about some stuff that I hadn't been honest with her about, and so once again our relationship is "on the rocks." And also once again, it's entirely my fault. What with her being in Europe then me being at camp, I would have given anything just to hold her again. But I'm too bone-headed to even get that to work. I really need to stop lying. It's hurting the people I care about and they don't deserve it.

So, untill I write again, I leave you with these parting words: As a wise man once said, "I don't know. Ask a woman."

Well, for those whom I havn't already told yet, I'm spending the next two weeks iat Interlochen's All-State Program. Cobb's directing the choir, so he was able to hook me up with a $400 scholarship, free uniforms, etc. I'm leaving areond 12:30 today, so if you want to talk, now's your chance.

There's a 12:30 concert on August 5th for the choir, so If you want to go and listen to us feel free to come. It'll probably be an hour-long concert, but I could be wrong. Swing by and check it out though.

Ashley, if you're reading this, I want you to know how much I love you. I can't stop thinking about you, and all I want right now is to be with you again. You mean the world to me, and I don't want you to ever forget that. You are the only woman I love, and no matter what happens, nothing can ever change that.

Ashley's in europe, and I really miss her right now. And it's not that I wish I could hold her right now kind of missing. It's more of an Oh my God she's on the other frigging side of the globe and if anything goes wrong I can't help her oh I'd give anything to just know that she's safe and comes home to me in one piece kind of missing. I feel so weird, knowing that I couldn't just go over to her house and see her if I wanted to.

On the plus side, I always feel instantly better whenever she calls me from Europe. It's really cool, because I nevr know when she's going to call, so it's always a surprise. A really great makes-my-day-a-good-one surprise. The only downside is that it's murdering my sleep patterns. I used to go to sleep around 10:00pm and wake up at 8 or 9 am. But now, I usualy don't go to sleep untill 2:30 am and I wake up around 10:00 am and just drink a lot of coffee throughout the day. But it's worth it. Just to hear her voice and to know that she's alright.

So the two of us, although on opposite sides of the planet, are alone together. Nonetheless, we're still both all alone.....